The Cost of Disobedience

This year will mark 2 years since completing grad school, and over the last 2 years, I've had several changes occur in my life. I've lived in 3 cities, moved from my childhood home, lost some friendships, gained some sisterhoods. I've had an ugly break-up and somehow stumbled upon the love of my life. I've gained 10 lbs, lost 5 lbs, and gained 15 lbs-- then lost 25 lbs. I've had 2 jobs, and have become this workhorse in my field-- so I should be happy right? I should be fulfilled? Every other week, a direct deposit hits my bank account and the breath that I held just days before gets a comfortable sigh of relief. Some would say I'm living the dream-- work hard in school, land the awesome job, get the guy and you're set, right?

Why then have I spent the last week in tears? Why have sessions of prayer turned into conviction moments with the Holy Spirit? Why do I have these vivid dreams and visions that leave me utterly perplexed and shook? Why do I sense this deep centered dissatisfaction with the pace that my life is moving? How come every payday high quickly ends and the reality of my dependency on this system resurfaces? When did I miss it? When did the will of God in my life become an after thought?

I've asked myself so many questions this last week and after mulling over the phone with my best friend, I quickly realized that the fountain of brokenness that floods my heart is the evidence of my confrontation with disobedience. I had willingly and ridiculously given pieces of my true-self. All the talents, all the gifts and all the zeal that God had deposited in me quickly faded behind my ambition and ugly mechanism to remain in control.

What's the cost of disobedience?

To a willing heart, the cost of disobedience is living with a heaviness and a sense of dissatisfaction. It's that feeling that somethings are just missing. It's a conviction that appears in your day to day conversations, it's that queasy feeling you get when you see someone fulfilling their purpose... It's in the way you have to convince yourself that the way you're living now is only for a season, and that your purpose will come together after this degree or perhaps after marriage. To a willing heart the cost of disobedience creates a looming sense of captivity within ones own ambition and perpetually weakens the connection you have with God.

So what do you do? What should we do? How do we find a way to step over the obstacles we've allowed to exist between ourselves and God? 


Chances are, you've had a glimpse of your purpose before. Perhaps you scribbled it down in a journal or you have a half finished business plan sitting on your desktop. There is no way moving forward won't require you to look back and remember what God told you or showed you.


You know what's in the way. Are you in the wrong line of work? Have you picked up too many shifts? Do you struggle to say "no"? Are you in a draining relationship? It's not enough to know what's in the way if you are not ready to do anything about it. Get active, pull out the weeds and shake off what's coddling you in disobedience.


Once your path is cleared, it's time to get to work. It's time to respond to the call and sometimes trying to figure out what the first step looks like is very overwhelming. My brother gave me this advice at the beginning of the year and it's helping me beyond description. You don't have the money? You don't have the network? You don't have the skill? Ok. That's alright-- start with what you have. It's really that simple. Just do something. God just wants you to give Him something to work with. Do that "something" and stay at it.


When you begin to intentionally walk in obedience, you better believe that the tests and trials will come. You may have to forfeit going on that bomb vacation or move back in with your parents just to stay afloat. God sees it. Your sacrifices are a form of currency that is stored in a bank that has exponential reward. People may question you about your decisions, but don't get into the habit of explaining yourself to everyone. You don't owe the world an explanation for living in Godly obedience. Let your diligence, drive and determination speak for you.


Guess what? You're actually living out the will of God. Your creator has your full backing. Phew-- no more guilt, finally you're running in the right direction of purpose. Soak it all in. Soak in the journey and enjoy the mess out of it. Laugh out loud and find joy in the little things. Choose joy every. single. day.

Obedient, bad & boujie, 

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